Jeez, it’s hard to believe it’s 2018 already though I’ve been waiting for it to arrive for months now. 2017 was a stupidly shitty year for the most part in personal, political, and just general terms so it feels good to be able to brush off at least the smallest crumbs of it. I know nothing changes in just a day, but it gives you the chance to trick yourself into believing that things can/will be better, eh?
Truthfully, things WILL be better this year. Whatever happens, whatever trials and troubles 2018 holds, it’s up to me to play the hand I’m dealt in whatever way I choose. I can shut off from the world and draw into myself like I’ve been doing for the past four/five months, OR I can meet those hardships dead on and tell them I won’t back down, no matter how hard it is for me to do that. I don’t believe in resolutions or that you suddenly will be able to play the cello or become a pop sensation just because the year’s ticked over, but I do believe in determination and goals.
As I’ve said before 2017 has been a hard year for me and my family. We’ve all done the best we could and we all handle each day as best we can and I couldn’t be more proud of them. Unfortunately, I lost my desire to write. In fact, I lost all joy in reading and writing which took away my means of escape; the one thing I LOVE doing more than anything in the world and that was a seriously bad blow to my mental wellbeing and confidence. I felt like I was letting my family, fellow writers, and publisher down when I looked at a page, hovered my hand over the keyboard, and saw nothing but a blinking cursor. It made my anxiety worse, made room for darker thoughts I’ve never had before, and I lost my grip on the person I’ve always been proud to be: optimistic, eager, excited, and passionate. It made me feel like a stranger in my own body.
But, having sat down and reflected on myself today I know that the ‘old’ me is still there just waiting for her chance to clamber out, so it’s time to give it to her. It’s time to push down the fear, guilt, and self-doubt, and it’s time to fight back against the uncertainty that’s been slowly suffocating me in 2017 because I’m bored of being a bummer to talk to and I’m bored of being as fun as food poisoning.
Rather than making resolutions I’ll probably break in a heartbeat, these are the things I want to do:
- To write again
- To start a new project
- To rediscover my voice
- To read more
- To face things that scare me
- To aim higher
- To be happy
If I get to 2019 and I’ve dabbled a little in each of those points I’ll be proper chuffed.
On a book-related note, Lost in Darkness is still coming and, yes, Ethan is still book boyfriend-worthy. I’ll have more news on that soon.